Ask The Smut God!

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2013-09-17 02:04:08

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<center>A [Stratakus] Production</center>

Ask me any question at all, from why the sky is blue, to why your grandma always smells like moth balls. I will answer it in some manner involving sex, underwear or something just plain outrageous with perverted undertones.

[crikketcandy], prostrating herself low before the altar and bearing gifts of sex toys and lubricant, says: Oh almighty, all-knowing Freaky One, I pose to you this single conundrum. For men, I have heard rumors that just before an anticipated, direct impact to the groin, that one testicle will bravely leap before the other in an attempt to protect its brother, as it takes merely 15lbs of pressure to pop one like an egg. Is this true? Do you have any experimental data to reference?

I accept your gift my loyal minion, and wish god tentacles upon you. I do not know the answer to the question you seek, because my testicles are both the size of Pluto, and have their own gravitational pull, so they are not inclined to move in front of each other. It would likely take 15 megatons just to make me feel a slight discomfort. I have questioned men with smaller and less godly testicles before though, and the popular answer is that it always seems Righty is the most Righteous , and leaps in front of Left, who in the sad case of one popping, would be the only one Left. I suggest doing your own experimentations. First, get in contact with people who visit www.stileproject.com, where you are bound to find some self loathing bastard willing to allow you to pop his testicle on camera, so that the proof will be in the pudding... so to speak...

[Calico Tiger] asks, "So why does it take guys so long to crap (seriously, long enough they just should take a book with them)?"

They're Jacking it. Especially if they have a Maxim in there. It doesn't matter how old, damaged, water (hopefully) stained the book is, as long as there is something without a penis in there, they're jerking for all it's worth. Think about it. The poo has to pass by the Prostate. And if you have a Meat Eater, that poo is gonna be hard and poking that prostate, the male G-Spot. I would consider it a fair trade off anyways, You women waste so much toilet paper because you can't keep pee off you're vageeners!

[Kyrinn] asks, "Why are men unable to change the toilet paper when its empty? WHY??" (Ive sooo many questions...)

See above for my opinion on where the toilet paper goes, and why it's not his fault it's empty. Seriously, you should be ashamed and go give him a blow job. And then cook dinner. Then another blow job with some sex. Lots of sex. And then make ME dinner, because all the time you spent having the sex, I will have been making time with the underwear drawer, getting as many panties as I could.

[werethylacine] asks, "How common is foot fetishism? Among men? And women? I know that feet are the most commonly fetishized non-sexual body part, but no more than that. And while we're at it, why's the sky blue?"

From my experience in countless Live Web Cam Chatrooms Foot Fetishism is more popular than actually watching a girl masturbating! I can't count how many times the girl is going Skinny Dipping in her Pink Lagoon when there are at least 10 guys complaining because they can't see her toes. Women I'm not so sure about their foot loving but if it exists, thee is a fetish for it. Fisting has a little sister known as Footing. The women who like it, like it a lot. And then there is the somewhat popular Foot Job.

The sky used to be blue due to light refraction, but while I was heroically fighting the killer Bitchtits of Poontangulon5, they stole the atmosphere from Earth! So I took all the light blue panties I had collected over the years, and stitched them into a giant sock for the earth. Now it is the new Ozone layer and when the sun is shining through them, you see their blueness, and at night the stars you see are little bits of light getting in through the stitching. So next time you wake up to a beautiful blue sky, remember my heroics and the sacrafice of a good deal of my pantie collection.

[Doormat] asks, "According to the historian Brad Neely in his epic about Washington (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ8BCNj2oao), Washington had 4 testicles and anywhere from 4-30 penii. How many penii and telsa-cles would you recommend one try to attain?"

In Baseball, they say having 4 balls allows you to walk. I believe this is not true. Stick with your two testicles to avoid sitting on the excess, lest we find out the true answer to the first question asked of me. As for the number of penii to attempt to obtain, I would say as many places as you can possibly grow them while still being able to move freely, especially not growing them on your feet because then you would have to spend a fortune buying new shoes and socks to accommodated your feet. From head to toe, I think the best placement for each penis would go as this:

Head: A Mohawk made from 7 phallus running from forehead to the back of the head called the Inion, a penis for your chin, which already has a prosthetic version if you have to much trouble obtaining a real one like a real man should. I would not recommend attempting to grow a penis for a tongue, because I doubt many men want to walk with a cock in their mouth all day.
Front Torso: Nothing would say Manly like having two dicks sticking out of each shoulder right next to your neck. Also, since we men don't use our nipples anyways, they should be replaced by a penis. Also, the Belly Button should sprout one, just got fun. As well as each abdominal muscle in a six pack should sprout a penis if you want to feel really cocky.
Back Torso: Picture if you will, a Spinosaurus frill doing down your back, starting at your first thoracic Vertebrae and ending at L3? The bitches would be all up on dat shitnit. And then one from each shoulder blade for good measure.
Arms: Each elbow should end in a penis, and then one growing at an angle out of the back of the wrist. To many on the arms would just get in the way of day to day living.
Pelvis: One growing out of each hip where the bone juts out (Known as the Anterior Superior Iliac Spine *The More You Knooooow*) and then two dicks where one normally grows, And lines with smaller dicks for her pleasure. And just for lulz, I would say a couple more growing out of the scrotum.
Legs Much like the arms, you don't want to lose mobility in the legs, so I would say just one places 4 inches above each knee cap. Because seriously if you had to kneel would you want to be kneeling on your dick?

I lost count once I hit the spine. But I think if you must strive for maximum penis coverage. These are the goals you should set for yourself.

[Yuriona] wonders, 'Oh great and mighty Smut God...since you have seen fit to have spammers fill my inbox with all sorts of advertisements claiming their all natural supplements or incredible wonder drugs increase penis length to orgasmic proportions, I must ask you if such supplements do work (as Happy man Bob insists they do) or if its just a bunch of scheming con artists hoping to profit off of below joe average's dreams of finally having a whore-tastic schlong?'

Well, my child, as my penis is already so grand that any more mass to it would cause it to develop it's own gravitational field worthy of it's own moon and ring made of rocks and naked women, I have no actually tested the Penis enlargement products. It is a little known fact that the last time Earth was under threat of being smashed by a comet, I used my dong as a baseball bat and changed it's trajectory to destroy the Bitchtits of Poontangulon5. I would not recommend anything sold over the internet for penis enlargement. If Joe Average wants a massive pecker, he needs to get a prescription for hookers who give really good hand jobs and blow jobs. What is a penis pump but a sucker of cock? The same sentence can be applied to the word hooker! As a fake doctor, I would prescribe oral and manual sex three times a day for the next 25 years. If the penis doesn't grow, at least it wasn't a total loss!
As for the breast enlargement products, I did not sanction these, as I am a lover of the small things in life. I commissioned the Spice Girls to write a song about my love for small breasts, but because of their accents, what should have sounded like "I wanna itty bitty titty with a cherry on top" came out in some garble mesh of insanity. What some people do not realize is the more breasts are played with, the better the circulation and with better circulation comes lack of fluid build up resulting in slightly smaller breasts. There is a reason that these enlargement products do not come with before and after photos, and that is because nobody actually uses the products. If one must have larger breasts, go with implants, but for this transgression against my godly sexitude, the recipient of the implants must donate all their old bras to my Church of Smut, and will still be under attack from my faithful Pantie Raiding ninja monks.

[Paul Doyle] prattles . . . "Um, huzzah? Anyway, O Great Smut God, we had one of the in-laws over the other night and DAMN was he annoying. You know how annoying in-laws can be . . . anyway, he was taking a long hot shower late at night when he suddenly gasped and moaned, the hot steamy air amplifying it like you wouldn't believe so everyone could hear it. I tried to stop my wife from investigating (after all, I'm a guy and most guys jerk off in the shower at least once or twice in their lives), but she got up out of bed to investigate. "Um, I had a Charlie Horse, a leg cramp," he told her, walking wrapped in a bath-towel with a pronounced crick in his neck though there was no limp in his pace.

"Anyway, O Sanctimonious Smut God, here's the kicker . . . the next morning I go in to get my shower---it's one of those walk in showers, no bathtub. I'm standing there under the shower head singing "The Sweetest Thing" by U2, scratching my nuts with one hand, scrubbing my back with a brush with the other. Then I notice the water level's rising and as you probably know the water level isn't supposed to rise in a walk-in shower. Then I look down and realize two things:

(1.) The in-law didn't clean up after ejaculating in the shower.
(2.) That in-law must be eating lots of peanut butter and something else influencing his baby batter, because his semen dried up and formed a waterproof seal around the drain, thereby making the water level rise.

Really disgusting, to say the very least! So . . . how do I get my idiot in-law to clean up his mess without provoking a fight? And . . . how to I cover this up so my dear wife, who is not squicked by dragon porn but is squicked by common garden-grade sexual kinks like jerking off in the shower, doesn't get mortified and scarred for the rest of her life?"

As many of my answers start, I must first prattle on about how magnificent my sexual organs are. I do not know about such things as walk in showers because my massive member takes an Olympic sized swimming pool to wash, and 300 indentured porn stars to wash it for me. Also, when I ejaculate it shoots so far that it reaches space and becomes the frozen chunks of ice you know as Comets, hurtling through space to eventually destroy other worlds with their impact, and the frozen semen will eventually evolve on the destroyed planet and repopulate it.

Now that the essentials are out of the way, I would suggest talking to this in-law about how much rubber cement he has been adding to his diet, and suggest he stop all together or at least save such clogging for his own shower, or he could go into business repairing the cracked sides of ships. As a fellow penis haver, I understand how tough it can be to discuss things such as masturbation with another man, I would suggest the simple approach of not telling him directly you know what was done, but simply saying that the drain in the bathroom became clogged after his shower, and it is policy that if you broke it you fix it. Thus, he knows he did something wrong, but you do not touch on the subject of him touching his subject. Then you get to laugh as he scrubs his spunk and simply pass it off as a hair clog, which from what I know is very believable. Hopefully from having to clean out the shower h will learn his lesson that the shower at a relatives house is not only a bad place to masturbate, but disturbing on so many levels, even for the Smut God.

I only hope this message reaches you in time.

[Kyrinn] asks on behalf of [Arwen Elf Friend]: If you have sex with a hooker against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? (cuz I really want to see how Strat answers this age old question...)
(Thanks, [Kyrinn]. I came here to post the question and you'd beaten me to it. hehe)

You crazy vagina havers need to think for yourselves. Or I need to think for you. I think you should make me sandwiches while dressed as skanky French Maids. But that is beside the point. A little known fact about Prostitutes is they are actually the Nuns for the Church of Smut. My church, and to receive sexual pleasure without paying is not only stealing from them but it is stealing from the Mighty Church of Smut! My nuns are well meaning women who only wish to spread the joy of sex and the proceeds go to supporting me, and I in turn repay them as the Godly Pimp that I am. It would not be rape, because the sex is their job and they want the sex. But when I don't make a profit off that, then it is high heresy and I will unleash the wrath of my testicles upon any offenders. You thought the Cloverfeild Monster could shake monsters off itself, you should see the hitchhikers my balls have picked up in their travels through space.

[Doormat] asks: "Today, as I research bitch, I was persuaded by a beautiful research assistant to put a random sample of urine on my palm (if she asked if she could spray it all over my face, I probably would've complied as well). How far is too far when complying with beautiful womens?"

What are they teaching you children in Bible School these days? Do you not remember the "10 Smut God Commandments For Dealing With Beautiful Womens" which can be found in Sexodus:

i. Thou Shalt Not Allow Anyone To Crap Upon Thy Chest
ii. Thou Shalt Not Allow Anything Larger Than An Elbow Be Inserted Into Thy Rectum
iii. Thou Shalt Not Turn Down An Offer For Sex In The Shower
iv. Thou Shalt Not Allow Anything Capable Of Severing Your Sexual Organs Within Arms Reach Of Your Crotch
v. Thou Shalt Not Die For Sex, Thus Ruining Any Chances Of Getting Laid EVER AGAIN
vi. Thou Shalt Not Insert Thine Penis Into Any Itchy Opening
vii. Thou Shalt Not Pay More Than 20$ For a Blow Job
viii. Thou Shalt Not Be The One Handcuffed To The Bed Post On The First Date.
ix. Thou Shalt Not Allow A Thine Woman To Place Electrodes To Your Testicles And Then Run An Electrical Current Into Your Testicles In An Attempt To Stimulate You To A Shocking Orgasm Unless You Are Into The Sensation Of Being Kicked In The Balls.
x. Thou Shalt Never Allow Anything That Would Cause The Sensation Of Being Kicked In The Balls.

In The future you should also set the terms of service before allowing such things as weewee be applied to your flesh. What better way to *break the ice than asking if you can pee on her next?

*results may vary...

[Paul Doyle] has taken a cue from his character, Pauly the Anthro-Dragon, and gotten "confuzzled" . . . over Ancient Greece, of all topics!

"O Smut God, thy oracle called out dead because she ran out of sick time, so I bow before thine Grandeur. . .

"Pericles, Heracles, Sophocles, Achilles, Testicles---no, this not about the usual Shazaam animated 1970s Saturday morning freak-out. So what is this about, then? I heard that Testicles was originally a famous Greek warrior, and he and Trojan Man went on famous adventures filled with wanderlust, gold, and getting laid. So how did Testi-CLEEZ the ancient Greek warrior become best remembered in the modern era as Testi-CULLS, aka male gonads? Through what legendary exploits does the ancient warrior relate to my nut-sack?"

As you might have noticed this is not the first time a hero has has the sound of his name changed. Hercules was pronounced more Heracleeeez. I believe it is just trying to Englishify all the good things in life. You may notice my chosen name is of the Roman variety. Could you imagine having to say Stratacles? Doesn't roll right off the tongue now does it.

Now, as much as I hate saying this next phrase... On to your balls. I was reading through an imaginary encyclopedia that I just made up off the top of my head and I was pretend reading all these mighty adventures of Testicles. Using nothing but his nut sack, he bludgeoned tyrant kings, he sank might battle ships with only a single swing of his scrote, and even after they were turned to stones by gorgons he bashed those gorgons before sinking into the sea. Because of his heroics and his choice of weapons, people began referring to their ballocks as Testicles. Similar legends have brought upon other names for our scrotum dumplings, such as the mighty barbarian Ballsgar. But that, my children, is a story for another day.

[Lerune] asks: O great Smut God, what would be considered a proper offering for me to present to you prior to asking my real question?

I am looking for a video of sexual intercourse involving a woman dressed as Rikku from FFx-2, a horse, a midget in a clown suit, a large vat of massage oil, an alien tentacle monster n the shape of a donkey who drips blue jelly, a woman who has used a vagina enlargment pump for way to many years actually being penetrated in her oversized female parts (Instead of doing anal like all the other ones I have seen, though anal is fun to atch none the less), and this whole orgy is going on while being shot in night vision than inverted. But if this gift cannot be obtained, a simple question will not be turned away. Though I am sure contributions to the Blue Banana Clubs "Show Me Your" section would please us all.

2008-02-01 [Calico Tiger]: XD

2008-02-01 [crikketcandy]: I always suspected that was the case. I never knew the Sports section could be so acceptably arousing

2008-02-03 [Kyrinn]: LMAO I love you Strat. XD

2008-02-04 [Stratakus]: #5 was the most long winded answer I think I've ever had to come up with in my life.

2008-02-06 [Paul Doyle]: Keeping in that spirit, Strat, I have come up with a typically long winded question that's about as true as a musically inspired Led Zeppelin reunion.

2008-02-06 [morgan nynaeve]: ^^ these are great!!

2008-02-14 [Stratakus]: Holy crap Pauly... gimme some time to think that one over.... ~Scratches head~

2008-02-14 [Paul Doyle]: Hahaha! *dies*

2008-02-14 [Kyrinn]: Really, the questions SHOULDN'T Be longer than the answer, Paul. >:P

2008-02-14 [Stratakus]: Some extra advice. Have him clean the shower with something strong... like Hydrochloric acid, or possibly Napalm.

2008-03-11 [Nae.palm]: O.O OMG I FREAKING ADORE THE SMUT GOD!!! *bows*

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